Navigating Intimacy as a Current or Former Sex Worker

Join relationship and sex therapist Sophie Talmadge Silleck, LMSW in exploring the experience of sex work in a culture that stigmatizes it

Sex work is work just like any other job. In the culture we live in though, it tends to be viewed as anything but.

Because of the stigma and shame that still exists around sex and sexuality, sex work is often seen as a last resort—something done out of desperation. And for some of us, that may be true. But for others, sex work is a choice that feels right for them.

So what contributes to the stigma related to sex work? How does that stigma impact our relationship with our job when we ourselves are sex workers? And what does it mean when our job intersects with parts of life that others judge?

How do we navigate our own relationship with sex and intimacy when sex and intimacy are also our job?

Sex Work: The Basics

As we explore the different experiences of sex workers, it’s important to remember that sex work itself can run the gamut.

This field incorporates many jobs: dancers, escorts, webcam performers, porn actors, dommes, full service, et al.

The overarching definition is consensual, sexual services in exchange for payment.

To be clear, any sexual actions done in a non consensual manner are not a part of sex work. Non consensual activity, even when the individual involved is a sex worker, is sexual violence.

The Culture Around Sex

We live in a society that historically—and currently, let’s be real—affirms that sex is exclusively for marriage, or monogamous relationships at the very least. Sex is still considered to be a taboo topic. It’s a discussion for behind-closed doors; a private matter.

Even when we do allow for conversations around sex, the focus tends to be on its utility: how children are created. And of course you can’t have children before marriage—that would be uncouth. The rules continue to pile up.

Sex as Intimacy

For a lot of people, sex can also represent the ultimate vulnerability. This means there must be emotion involved, or maybe even a lasting relationship. Sex is a way of connecting on a “deeper level.” Sex can’t be frivolous or low pressure.

To be clear, sex absolutely can be deep and vulnerable! Sex can be many things for many reasons.

Often though, the attitude is that other than making babies, the point of sex is to have a profoundly connecting, intimate experience with a partner. Any other kind of sex is considered “promiscuous” or “risqué.” Casual or less emotionally-connected sex gets demonized or otherwise demoted.

So if sex is only for monogamous couples, ideally married, who are either trying to make babies or have a vulnerable physical experience with someone, and casual sex is frowned upon or regarded as less meaningful, what does this all say about sex work? Or about those of us who do that work?

The Culture Around Sex Work

The cultural beliefs we have around sex impact how we as a society regard sex workers and their chosen profession.

Generally, there is a lot of judgement and inaccurate assumptions about sex work and sex workers.

Common assumptions include:

• Sex workers would not choose this job for themselves and would gladly take another position

• Sex workers only do sex work because of sexual trauma or because they were pressured into it

• Sex workers have no self-respect or self-worth

While these sentiments might be true for some, they certainly aren’t true for everyone. Every sex worker is an individual, and therefore has a unique life experience that has brought them to this work.

For some sex workers, this job is just that: a job. It is neutral, sometimes not the most fun, and other times providing a fulfilling day like any other job. For others, it’s more complex and can carry triggers. And even still for others, sex work is an active choice that generates feelings of autonomy.

For those of us who aren’t sex workers, the most important thing to remember is that everyone in this profession has their own story. Instead of making assumptions about someone’s past, embrace curiosity.

Sex Work and Intimacy

Having personal intimate and sexual relationships can be challenging for sex workers.

Aside from assumptions about a sex worker’s reasons for being in the field, there’s also often judgment that sex doesn’t mean as much for sex workers because it’s what they do for a living. Some people assume that for sex workers, sex must be devoid of feelings to engage so often. Because of this, they will then infer that sex workers couldn’t possibly have an emotional, sexual relationship in their personal lives.

Sex workers may also experience partners or loved ones who don’t understand or respect the work they do—or even used to do. This can lead to social isolation, lack of community, and struggles with self esteem.

For Sex Workers: What to do?

It’s tough when people see you not as an individual but as your job, especially one with so much stigma attached to it. Sex work deserves to be treated like every other profession and a person’s job shouldn’t be held against them. Navigating intimacy while being in this field is difficult sometimes but not impossible, and you’re certainly not alone.

Ready to find community? If you’re looking for a supportive processing space of fellow current or former sex workers, Sophie is now enrolling for her new group Sex Work and Intimacy: You are More than Your Job. Contact Sophie directly to begin the screening process!

Want to work on your relationship with sex? Sophie is taking new clients! Read more about working with her here.